Line King: College football needs The 'U' back - WALB.com, South Georgia News, Weather, Sports

Line King: College football needs The 'U' back

  • LSUMore>>

  • LSU football enjoys team outing at original T.J. Ribs restaurant

    LSU football enjoys team outing at original T.J. Ribs restaurant

    Tuesday, August 11 2015 9:37 PM EDT2015-08-12 01:37:12 GMT
    Tuesday, August 11 2015 10:06 PM EDT2015-08-12 02:06:19 GMT
    The LSU football team took a break from the sweaty grind of fall camp Tuesday night to enjoy some team bonding and great food.More >>
    The LSU football team took a break from the sweaty grind of fall camp Tuesday night to enjoy some team bonding and great food.More >>
  • LSU football wants return to 2011 defense

    LSU football wants return to 2011 defense

    Thursday, August 6 2015 3:15 PM EDT2015-08-06 19:15:51 GMT
    Thursday, August 6 2015 3:36 PM EDT2015-08-06 19:36:51 GMT
    LSU may have ranked No. 1 in the SEC defensively last season, but many fans and analysts agree that wasn’t an accurate reflection of how the team actually played. More >>
    LSU may have ranked No. 1 in the SEC defensively last season, but many fans and analysts agree that wasn’t an accurate reflection of how the team actually played. More >>
  • LSU football reports for fall camp, Miles says Bain was never reinstated

    LSU football reports for fall camp, Miles says Bain was never reinstated

    Wednesday, August 5 2015 12:06 PM EDT2015-08-05 16:06:42 GMT
    Wednesday, August 5 2015 4:52 PM EDT2015-08-05 20:52:04 GMT
    On a steamy and sweltering morning in south Louisiana, the LSU football team officially reported for the start of fall camp. The Tigers checking into the West Campus Apartments Wednesday morning, with their first practice set for Thursday. More >>
    On a steamy and sweltering morning in south Louisiana, the LSU football team officially reported for the start of fall camp. The Tigers checking into the West Campus Apartments Wednesday morning, with their first practice set for Thursday. More >>

The following column is satire and meant for entertainment purposes.

(RNN) - We are one quarter of the way through the 2013 college football season, and here is The Line King's Annual Conference Nugget Report.

He has long grieved because there are no longer any top-notch, beat-you-flat-then-rub-it-in, bad-guy hate magnets left in the bleak college football landscape of today. Miami of the 1990s, better-known as The "U," set a standard of indomitable wickedness that has yet to be repeated.

But hope floats eternally, because The Line King is a glass-half-full kind of guy:

ACC: Has the actual "U" returned? College football needs them! Bama is just not a good enough heel. The 2013 "U" has also given up only 50 points in four games. They just need more off-the-field antics and post-TD posing.

Big East (they should have never changed their name): Houston is a nice surprise. The Coogs might not be The "U," but they are a delightful 4-0 straight up/against the spread. SMU has a great 30 for 30 special like The "U," but is an appalling 0-4 ATS.

Big 8: Is Baylor the next "U?" I doubt the Southern Baptists would allow the necessary antics, but the Bears are running through opponents quicker than a snake handler goes through a vial of anti-venom serum. They've also only given up 23 points in four games. Twenty-three!

Big 11: The Big 11 will never produce a "U." Although Michigan's QB wearing No. 98 is pretty cool.

C-USA: The once proud Southern Miss program is the perfect example of why you don't run off a coach who produced 14 consecutive winning seasons and 10 bowl games. Wake up, people, it's Hattiesburg, not Miami.

Independents: The "U" would certainly like to rekindle the  venerable "Catholics vs. Convicts" rivalry, especially considering that Notre Dame is a horrid 0-4 ATS.

MAC: "U"Mass (yes, it is in the MAC) has only scored 28 points in four games. Yikes, that's not "U"-like.

MountainBigWestWAC: Usually produces a few teams worth following.  And like the old "U," the Benjamins are flying all over the place. "U"tah State is 4-1 ATS and while Hawaii is 0-4 on the field, they have nice beaches and are 3-1 ATS.  

PAC 10+2: While not The "U," the "O" is certainly making an early season run for a spot in Pasadena. The Ducks have scored 239 and given up 43... very "U"-like. And forget SoCal's 3-2 record, Lane Kiffin got fired because they are 1-4 ATS.

$EC: Despite brainwashing half the nation, the $EC is not at all "U"-like ATS. Mike $live would love to replace Starkville with Miami. Although Mizzou (who remembered they are in the $EC?) is 4-0 SU and ATS.

Sun Belt: South Alabama is 3-1 ATS, but Mobile will never be confused with Miami. Neither will Monroe or Lafayette (LA), Bowling Green (KY), Troy (AL) or San Marcos (TX). Heck, Atlanta is not Miami, either, although they think they are. Next year add Boone (NC) and Statesboro (GA).

Week 4: 6-3-1 (again)

Total: 29-20-2

Week 5

GaState @ Bammer -56: Old-school "U" beatdown.

Clemson @ Syracuse +14: Lots of orange... just like The "U."

UGA -11 @ Rocky Top: Speaking of Orange, ol' Smokey can only wish it was The "U."

Arkansas +10 @ The Swamp: The "U" took care of the Gators earlier, deflating giant egos all up and down I-75.  

Mizzou @ Vandy -4.5: Vandy is a private school just like The "U," or so the Vandy fan keeps saying.

Mississippi @ Barn +3: Black Bear fans are still excited about the Music City Bowl.

Kentucky @ SoCar -21.5: The Visor would have been a perfect fit at The "U." Instead, he is in Columbia. Oh well.

San Jose @ Hawaii +4.5: Think ATS my friends... ATS and those beaches.

TCU @ Oklahomer -11: TCU could be The "U." But it isn't.  

GaTech @ The "U" -4.5: Welcome back, The "U."

Copyright 2013 Raycom News Network. All rights reserved.

  • SEC FootballSEC CoverageMore>>

  • Auburn Fan Day offers chance to meet favorite players and coaches

    Auburn Fan Day offers chance to meet favorite players and coaches

    Friday, August 18 2017 9:23 PM EDT2017-08-19 01:23:31 GMT
    (Source: WSFA 12 News)(Source: WSFA 12 News)

    Auburn fans have the opportunity to gather on the plains and meet their favorite athletes and coaches Saturday as Auburn holds its annual Auburn Fan Day. Fans will get the chance to meet the 2017 Auburn Football players and coaches. According to auburntigers.com, head coach Gus Malzahn will be located on the bottom floor of the Auburn Athletic Complex, but the football Tigers won't be the only Auburn University Athletics team at fan day. According to the website, the Aubur...

    More >>

    Auburn fans have the opportunity to gather on the plains and meet their favorite athletes and coaches Saturday as Auburn holds its annual Auburn Fan Day. Fans will get the chance to meet the 2017 Auburn Football players and coaches. According to auburntigers.com, head coach Gus Malzahn will be located on the bottom floor of the Auburn Athletic Complex, but the football Tigers won't be the only Auburn University Athletics team at fan day. According to the website, the Aubur...

    More >>
  • Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah 5K in Tuscaloosa Saturday

    Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah 5K in Tuscaloosa Saturday

    Friday, August 18 2017 1:45 PM EDT2017-08-18 17:45:39 GMT
    Thomas Plott and his classmates, many of whom will be participating in the Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah 5K. (Source: Terri Brewer/WBRC)Thomas Plott and his classmates, many of whom will be participating in the Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah 5K. (Source: Terri Brewer/WBRC)

    The streets of Downtown Tuscaloosa will be crowded Saturday morning. It’s for a race with an important cause, and a pretty memorable name.

    More >>

    The streets of Downtown Tuscaloosa will be crowded Saturday morning. It’s for a race with an important cause, and a pretty memorable name.

    More >>
  • More than a coach: Former USC running back Lattimore embraces challenge of leading Heathwood Hall

    More than a coach: Former USC running back Lattimore embraces challenge of leading Heathwood Hall

    Friday, August 18 2017 7:34 AM EDT2017-08-18 11:34:30 GMT
    Former USC running back and Heathwood Hall head football coach Marcus Lattimore shows a play to one of his players duriing practice. (Source: WIS)Former USC running back and Heathwood Hall head football coach Marcus Lattimore shows a play to one of his players duriing practice. (Source: WIS)

    As many of the Heathwood Hall players left the field, Marcus Lattimore kept a few of his running backs and his quarterback to iron out a few wrinkles heading into Thursday’s season opener against Oakbrook Prep.

    More >>

    As many of the Heathwood Hall players left the field, Marcus Lattimore kept a few of his running backs and his quarterback to iron out a few wrinkles heading into Thursday’s season opener against Oakbrook Prep.

    More >>
Powered by Frankly