(RNN) - If it's the end of the world as we know it, and if the Mayans were right, we're fast approaching what may be our last Christmas season on Earth.
Without a pesky future to worry about - and let's face it, the predictions have been pretty bleak lately - why not deck the halls and luxuriate in coolest, most fattening, and downright expensive stuff normally reserved for the top .0001 percent among us?
No money? No problem. You can just charge it and let all the banks work out the details on Dec. 22, 2012.
So relax, have another cup of eggnog (or 10) and check out our ultimate oblivion preparedness guide:
Musha Cay Island Resort
You want nothing less than preposterous luxury and unrelenting awesomeness for the last vacation you're ever going to take. The only place that can guarantee that is the Musha Cay resort in the Bahamas.
The resort island costs a meager $37,500 a night - but you can bring up to 11 of your closest friends, with a four-night minimum. Imagine, sharing a vacation with only 11 other people in sight - all of them chosen by you!
The island is owned by illusionist David Copperfield. An example of the sort of clientele it attracts: Google co-founder Sergey Brin, who can buy several of anything he wants, was married there in 2007.
What kind of amenities does it have? What do you want?
The island boasts seven private beaches, a 10,000-square-foot manor house on a giant hill with amazing views, smaller but no less splendid villas to stay in, crystal waters, sugary white sand, tropical flowers, exotic birds and animals, a staff of 30 to meet your every need, butlers, boatmen, world-class chefs, bartenders serving up cocktails with little, paper umbrellas, snorkeling, bone fishing, jet skis and more.
A deep-sea fishing trip and a massage will cost you extra. Why not get two?
Four nights is not going to be nearly enough. Book a month.
While you're chilling at Musha Cay, you'll definitely want to fly in 30 or 40 dozen bacon maple bars from Voodoo Doughnuts in Portland, OR.
A perfect blend of sweet, savory artery-clogging wonderfulness, it's a thick, yeasty plank of doughnut dough flash fried and then quickly bathed in a fragrant, gooey, sugar-maple glaze topped with a slab of sizzling bacon spangled with sparkling grease.
How bad is it for you?
Voodoo is family owned, so it's not legally bound to include nutritional information on its products. How many calories, grams of fat, sugar, salt and other insalubrious ingredients are packed into each delicious bite? Who cares? Chow down! It's the end of the world!
Nothing says "humanity's last Christmas" like insanely expensive, carcinogenic tobacco products.
A single Ghurka Black Dragon Cigar will run you $1,150. Ghurka makes limited editions of super-pricey cigars and doles them out to people with more money than sense. If the Black Dragons are sold out, you might have to settle for an HMS, which cost a scant $750.
Why not torch up with nothing less than a flaming $100 bill?
Have you balked at buying that super-fast, ultra-dangerous motorcycle you always wanted because you were afraid you'd wind up as a greasy spot on the highway of life? That's hardly a concern anymore, now, is it?
The fastest, most stone-cold awesome motorcycle ever made by human hands is the Dodge Tomahawk.
This beastly machine is estimated to go about 300 mph, based on its aerodynamics and some physics equations and stuff. Nobody really knows for sure, though, because no one has ever actually hopped on and taken one for a spin. The manufacturer produced it as "a rolling work of art," not an actual vehicle.
Mystery surrounds how many Tomahawks are actually in existence. Neiman-Marcus may or may not have sold nine a few years back for $555,000 each. It's a bargain at any price.
And while we're on the subject of expensive, loud and awesome things that'll probably kill you ...
Giant antique cannons
Check out the antique cannon superstore.
Where else can you buy an old, rickety totally cool uber-deadly cannon that might blow up the second you light the fuse? If it doesn't, it makes an ear-splitting, fiery explosion that hurls a deadly projectile about a half-mile.
Baroooooom! Happy Last Year!
The perfect wicked-bad dog for the final year of creation is the presa carnario – a massive, ornery breed of mastiff with a huge, square head and jaws like a bear trap.
Imagine a cracked-out pit bull on steroids. These critters were bred in the Canary Islands originally to protect and herd cattle. And you better believe no cow in its right mind would get out of line with these beasts on patrol. A full-grown presa is genetically engineered to take down a wolf, a hyena or a raging bull like a pickup truck over a rooster.
Be sure to get a puppy and not a pre-owned presa because they're hard to train, and you need to get your bluff in before Fido realizes he can snap your neck like a twig.
Once trained, however, they are the most protective of breeds, loyal to a fault, territorial and fully capable of ripping apart any post-apocalyptic threat that would dare to threaten you, your home or family.
Let's say the world ends because of an alien invasion: There's a good chance the invaders will get back on their spacecraft and streak for home rather than risk a close encounter with Bowzer.
Speaking of reptilian aliens, another buddy to have with you to greet the final dawn is a snake that hails from the same region that spawned the Mayans and their calendar.
The Fer de Lance is a no-nonsense viper from the Central American jungles and other points south. It's a good-looking snake, with beautiful, diamond and hourglass scales that are said to feel soft and velvety by the few who touched one and lived to tell about it.
This creature is not afraid of humans – or anything else, and why should it be? The fer de lance has a cranky temperament, is easily provoked, and, unlike most vipers, would rather fight than flee. If they do run, they are very fast, but they are just as likely to quickly reverse their path, pivot and bite you in the nose.
They're big. The females, which are much bigger and more aggressive than males, can grow to about 8 feet. They can strike more than half the length of their body, they have super-long fangs, and they pack a massive quantity of deadly venom that makes the cobra's poison look like sweet iced tea.
Their head is huge – much wider than its neck - to accommodate all those long teeth and extra venom. It's got a sharp nose and giant, piercing snake eyes.
This girl looks bad - and she is. Oh, yes. She is.
An erupting volcano is really hot. For the price of refurbished iPod Touch, you can body-surf lava - at least for a few minutes.
Jiangsu-huasan offers this suit of flame-resistant cloth compounded with aluminum foil for just $134.
The company says it is "applied for radiation temperature 500 degrees Centigrade to 1,000 degrees Centigrade," which sounds pretty excellent, especially for 134 bucks. The price includes hood, jacket, suspenders, pants, gloves and spiffy silver boots.
Now, if the world does not come to an end on Dec. 21, 2012, there's always next year if you can't quite spare the cash for all of this awesomeness.
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